Brahmaviharas – The Four Abodes

July 25 2018

Equanimity: Keeping Cool in the Face of Fire

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Sh*t happens. Sometimes it happens in an inflammatory way that feels like it is turning turned your world upside down. I’m writing this as an aggressive wildfire continues to grow in our area threatening homes. I am watching as my emotions oscillate; tracking my nervous system’s response to news updates and the potential of rapidly evacuating my home. It is the perfect time to practice the fourth Brahmavihara; Upekha, or Equanimity. This is defined as a mental calm, composure and evenness of temper (especially in difficult situations). My teacher Joanna Macy speaks of it as “The Great Peace”. It is an all abiding knowing that everything is ok and unfolding just as it is meant to.

There may always be a part of my thinking mind and ego that will argue with this deep truth. Even after years of practice I still hear the voice that questions my safety and security, and/or resists the situation. However, I have made friends with this scared little voice, and when it starts squawking I now know to pause, acknowledge it, and speak back from the ever-larger part of my mind-heart that is anchored in Upekha.

One of my mentors has repeatedly taught me that “observation is enough.” We are conditioned to want to change things. When we notice that something doesn’t feel good, often our immediate response is to want to change the situation or our reaction to it. I have found that starting with simply noticing is a useful practice. I notice the discomfort and I stay present for it, no more, no less. This diminishes feelings of guilt or added discomfort about my resistance, and allows me spaciousness to be authentically present with the situation.

More often these days, I don’t try to change the scared little voice; I simply say “I hear you, thank you for your concern and protection, we are ok”. Generally the inner response is one of tension melting, tightness in my chest or solar plexus subsiding, and a gentle smile dawning.

When we are anchored in equanimity life is so much easier! We can go with the flow of what is occurring without attaching an idea of right and wrong to that. Like all worthwhile things, this takes practice! You have two options: practice right now in the moment with whatever is happening, and practice regularly in an intentional way to “build the mindful muscles” over time…

1. The long view: Access the guided meditation below, and continually cultivate your ability to connect with the part of you that is anchored in The Great Peace.

MEDITATION FOR EQUANIMITY

2. Right now: When faced with a situation, person or feeling that throws you way off balance, you can try the following practice:
Pause, close your eyes if possible. Feel yourself breathing. Take a breath in and repeat the following: I am where I need to be. Exhale the breath and repeat: This is enough.

The Bramhaviharas or Four Abodes were presented to me as a cohesive response system; these are the only useful ways of relating to other living beings. Meeting others with either loving kindness, compassion, empathetic joy or equanimity truly guarantees a more easeful and enjoyable life experience. At first I thought this was limiting and impossible; what if my emotion is anger, sadness, frustration?! Over time I have come to realize that when I am experiencing any of those challenging emotions in relation to another person, the way to move through it is with equanimity. It strikes me as incredibly elegant that ¾ of the prescription focuses on elevated, uplifting forms of relating, and that equanimity, the final piece of the puzzle, is able to hold any of the other states of emotion within it.

For those of us who struggle with codependency, equanimity is the perfect ongoing practice. As Sharon Salzberg says; “Without equanimity, we might give love to others only in an effort to bridge the inevitable and healthy space that always exists between two people.” I urge you to try the practice for yourself and cultivate the healthy spaciousness that is available to you!

Please share your experience with Equanimity and/or wildfire in the comments below. We can evolve with and learn from each other!

Sun setting on the Ferguson Fire

More resources on Equanimity:

5 tips on Equanimity

A Safe Space in Equanimity

Sit Like a Mountain: An Image of Equanimity

Audio Meditation from Jack Kornfield

June 20 2018

Empathetic Joy: Welcome Abundance in Relationships

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Have you ever received news from a friend about a joyous event and noticed yourself shutting down, or thinking “I wish I had that”? This is a very human response that we have all felt, if we can be honest about it. Thankfully there is a wonderful philosophy and heart practice to support us in working with this reaction.

The concept of Mudita, which can be translated as empathetic joy, appreciative joy, or my favorite; joy in another’s joy, is a useful tool on our path of evolution and expansion. In Mahayana Buddhism, jealousy or envy is described as one of the five afflictions that keep us stuck in suffering. As embodied and conscious beings we have the opportunity to break out of suffering through practice.

You can practice immediately: you don’t need to wait to start this, you may even receive an opportunity today! The next time someone communicates some joyful news, a success, or great happiness, pause and notice how you feel. Be very honest and notice all of the feelings arising. If you observe even a shred or trace of the feeling that you wish you had such joy, success etc in your life, please note that.
Then perhaps you can implement the following:

Take a breath. Feel the feeling. Let yourself feel it. Take another breath. Relax your body. Repeat this phrase (or something with a similar intention): We are all one. Your joy is my joy. In this moment I cultivate gratitude for your success. Your success is my success. May you be blessed with abundant joy.

The heart practice of Mudita can be used in the moment if and when we are capable. To increase our capacity to do this in the moment, we can “strengthen the muscle” of empathetic joy. To build and enhance the neural connections of Mudita, we commit to a regular meditation practice with this as a focus. Some of us have a strong natural tendency toward jealousy or comparison (I am raising my hand), whereas some of us naturally tend to celebrate others’ wins. If you are like me, then this can be an important foundational practice for you!

GUIDED MUDITA MEDITATION

I recommend you commit to sitting down and doing this meditation at least two times per week this month. If you like to track your progress, pull out a journal beforehand and make note of up to 5 examples of recent moments when you felt something like jealousy or comparison. After your month of commitment, pull out the same journal and write down at least 5 instances when you were able to practice mudita in the moment. You might also reflect on whether it has gotten any easier to celebrate others’ abundance and success. If you would like to support yourself even more, alternate the Empathetic Joy Meditation with the Loving-Kindness Meditation (one each day) for a deeply transformative combination this month.

With any meditation or yoga practice we need to try it on for size and see whether it works for us. Practicing Mudita has made my life more abundant and has significantly improved the quality of my relationships. The more I practice, the more I feel the benefits. That said, I know I need to keep at it! Recently a dear friend bought a house in the town near where I live. She has experienced major challenges in the last year and this new home is a great joy in her life. While visiting the house, I found myself riding different waves of emotion; while I was in fact very happy for her, I also noted traces of wishing I had such a cute, welcoming abode with the conveniences afforded by being in town. Immediately I brought in the Mudita practice, and hopefully was able to be more present for her big success that day. Life ALWAYS provides us with opportunities for growth; so of course when I went home that afternoon the water stopped running at my house and I had to figure out how to fix the well (something town-dwellers don’t need to do). I had a good chuckle about how immediately life offered this clear opportunity to dig in and practice Mudita and gratitude more fully!

A student in the Balanced Rock Yoga Teacher Training once encapsulated her Mudita practice perfectly. She shared how much she loves to play and win at Yahtzee. Every time another player would roll Yahtzee, she would pause, breathe, and actively cultivate joy for their win!

Sunset view from my home; a beautiful and challenging place full of opportunity for heart practices!

For many of us summer is a time of adventures, getting outside, and enjoying long days with friends and family. As we emerge from our winter hibernation we are faced with an abundance of opportunities to practice Mudita! The more you connect with people, the more you need this practice. If you commit to it, I guarantee it will add a quality of ease and abundance to your relationships.

Once you dig in to this practice, please share any reflections in the comments below. We can always learn more from each others’ successes!

More resources on Mudita:

Four Essays on Mudita from Buddhist Scholars

The Wellspring of Joy

Mudita: The Buddhist Practice of Sympathetic Joy

May 18 2018

Fierce Compassion: Staying True to You

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The definition of fierce compassion is to lovingly and thoughtfully “stick to your guns”. It is not stubborn and it is not selfish, and only you can know that edge for yourself. Fierce compassion is holding fast to your truth while remembering that you are engaged with another conscious human being who may have a distinct truth, and that is ok. As you both hold your distinct truths or beliefs, you can also hold the consciousness that in many ways you are not different.

Practice: Next time you sit with someone expressing a difference of opinion, try focusing on the shared truths that you are both breathing, that you were both born and will die someday, that you both have capacity for love, and that you both have felt pain. A focus on the innate human-ness we share is our strongest weapon.

I have a very beautiful and challenging relationship in my life that constantly calls me into the space of being fiercely compassionate. This person can easily oscillate between expressing their heartfelt admiration of who I am, and angrily blaming and judging my actions in a cruel and unnecessary way. You might be asking yourself why in the world would Paula maintain such a relationship?! The reasons are manifold and not the focus of this article; however it serves our purpose to speak these truths here:

I completely believe in this person’s innate goodness and capacity for love and compassion.
I recognize this person’s wounded-ness and refuse to write them off for it.
The constantly evolving relationship provides a brilliant mirror for my own deep sense of self-worth and value.

When I am assaulted by people or situations that throw me off my center, trigger my inner victimhood, and/or challenge my ability to be compassionate to myself and and to them, I start by taking some personal space. I immediately go to a dark, silent room or outdoors into nature, and breathe with awareness resting on the simple rise and fall of my respiration. When I am ready to (usually not in the moment), I return to the conversation with some very clear communication. This includes phrases such as: I understand you are __________. From my perspective __________. I feel __________.

I do not use the words I’m sorry in this case. If and when amends need to be made I do make them, however I have found that the words I’m sorry again distance me from what I know to be true in my heart. You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain: try this practice next time you are challenged!

Like anything worthwhile, fierce compassion needs to be trained and nurtured. An ongoing practice is to find the things that awaken fierce compassion within you and seek them out when you need a little strength in your backbone coupled with softness in your heart. An example is how the song “Medicine” by Rising Appalachia awakens these qualities in me. Each time I hear this song I am moved to tears of anger and sorrow in regarding the reality of our socio-political situation. Simultaneously I am inspired and bolstered by the strength of community and creativity. I recommend you listen to the song now and observe the feelings that arise within you. I have included some of the lyrics here to give you a sense of how strength and softness are like two wings that can lift us up when we feel down.

Wise men say that rushing is violence
and so is your silence
when its rooted in compliance
To stand firm in loving defiance,
make art your alliance
give voice to the fire
Move people to the beat of the wind
Gather yourself and begin
to dance the song until it ends
We are winners, champions of the light
forming in numbers and might
keep the truth close in sight…

To stand firm in loving defiance when faced with violent or inappropriate actions strengthens our inner being. The idea that our silence is violence when its rooted in compliance speaks to the importance of being able to share our truth. When we aren’t able to speak our truth in the face of challenge, some part of us suffers this violent act of omission. In order to nurture compassion for ourselves we continue to practice speaking our truth.

Speaking our truth at the peaceful Women’s March in Sacramento

Fierce compassion is the epitomy of a yoga and mindfulness practice. A wonderful way to root this into your body and mind is to physicalize it. Access the video on how to practice this in Warrior II below.

This asana is a perfect place to experience fierce compassion because the foundation of the pose must be impeccable (foot and knee placement), and the connection to earth charged and alive (padabandha and mulabandha). Literally the very core of you is engaged which helps steady you in your deepest truth. Simultaneously you bring in a softness and surrender through the shoulders, neck and jaw. You practice a determined gaze that is also allowing; steady and sustainable. In Sanskrit, the Warrior poses are named after Virabhadra. His story exemplifies fierce compassion; check it out here and as you read see if you connect to the philosophy and where in your life it is most needed.

Another place to cultivate and experience fierce compassion is in meditation. We commit steadfastly to taking a seat, we return to this seat again and again, even when it is difficult and unappealing. Yet sometimes we miss a practice, or our mind is particularly monkey-like and 20 minutes of stillness feels more like a scroll through your internal Instagram feed. Enter compassion; you are making an effort and doing the best you can with what you have and that is enough. You are enough, just as you are; wrinkles, Netflix habit, comparisons and all. When your mind slides into a pattern of judgment you can practice fierce compassion with that part of yourself! Use one the practices above to steady back into the truth that you are whole and you are enough.

In the comments below please share with us your truth: how do you practice fierce compassion in your life?

If you’d like personal guidance in any of these practices please reach out to me for a Private Session.

More resources on fierce compassion:

Great article by Sharon Salzberg on Fierce Compassion

Brilliant article and a video visually expressing fierce compassion from Skoll Foundation

April 26 2018

Metta: Embracing Life with Loving Kindness

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There are some things we inherently share as human beings, regardless of our gender, heritage, political views, values or personal preferences. We all desire to feel happy, loved and supported. We all struggle with anger, resentment and pain. We all have the opportunity to shift our consciousness to a more life-affirming joyful existence.

Enter Metta. Translated as loving-kindness, friendliness, good-will or fellowship, Metta is both a practice and an attitude. It is free and available to all of us right now. It is not a quick fix, however with persistent desire and effort it supports us in awakening to our true nature as love. One of my favorite encapsulations of Metta comes from Sharon Salzberg, inspired by a Rumi quote:

A pearl goes up for auction No one has enough, so the pearl buys itself ~Rumi
Love exists in itself, not relying on owning or being owned. Like the pearl, love can only buy itself, because love is not a matter of currency or exchange. No one has enough to buy it but everyone has enough to cultivate it. Metta reunites us with what it means to be alive and unbound. ~Sharon Salzberg

On April 15^th, 2018 I had the great pleasure to gather with 15 brave beautiful souls at Studio M Yoga in Mariposa, CA and work on changing our world inside and out by practicing Metta. We did this one heart, and one breath at a time. I am so grateful to everyone who took the time to come together! While I have practiced Metta Meditation for years, the potency of doing it in a group was palatable and prepared me for the battle ahead.

In the week following our workshop I was challenged and brought to my limit by the actions of a loved one behaving in a self-destructive, thoughtless and painful way. While riding waves of anger and resentment I turned to Metta or Loving Kindness and practiced holding this person in my heart and wishing them well. Each time they broke their promise, lied to me or continued their self-destruction, I would take space for myself, get quiet, and start repeating the phrases. Sometimes these were directed toward me, sometimes toward them, sometimes toward another being.

Total game changer! Each time I went to the phrases, I immediately felt my heart soften and had the ability to hold both them and myself in compassion regardless of their actions. It was an incredible tool in a time of crisis that helped me to return again and again to my true nature as a loving, caring human being. There is nothing like personally experiencing the efficacy of a practice. The mind-heart is so powerful!

This empowering practice is available to you. We all have difficult people in our lives, and it is our opportunity and responsibility to cultivate how we want to show up moment to moment. Please access the meditation below and use it whenever and wherever you need!

ACCESS METTA MEDITATION

When you practice Metta please know the following:

The effects may not be immediate. If you don’t feel warmth or ease in your heart keep practicing! It comes with time.
You can practice anytime, anywhere. You don’t need to sit on a meditation cushion. The practice can be done while walking, driving, washing dishes etc.
Keep coming back to your phrases! You don’t need to use the classic phrases; you can come up with your own that more directly access your heart space. Use 2-3 friendly phrases that are simple and you can return to again and again.

There is no greater gift than investing in your own happiness and freedom! It radiates from us as inextinguishable warmth. We are empowered to shine our true light.

I wish you ease and clear access to your heart’s greatest strength and desire. May these practices soften and embolden you as you need.

I would love to hear your thoughts and how you are engaging with Metta; please email me or leave a comment below!